I'm not sure if I've mentioned this yet but the sacred plant medicine Ayahuasca is a purgative! In layman's terms it is drain-o for the body, mind, and spirit. It unclogs physical, mental, emotional, and energetic blockages and allows toxins and anything that needs to be released the freedom to release. I have read that Mother Ayahuasca starts to work on you and with you from the moment you set your intention to work with her and before you ever drink the brew. Also, that things become more intense the closer you get to her. Well, all I can say is I find all of that to be true! I have felt her guiding me from the beginning and I have already released and grown so much just in the past 6 months! But she has stepped up her game... especially this last week and I have been feeling the Purge! It has not been pretty but I'm still here :)
Though physical 'purging' is common during the Ayahuasca ceremonies, my 'purging' thus far has mostly been the releasing of old thought patterns, old "stories", old habits, and other "old stuff" that did serve a purpose at one point in my life but is no longer serving my highest and most authentic self. I have generally been on a "purging" path for many years now because I have been on a path to find my true and most authentic self. What I have learned in the process is that I don't need to "find" myself--I am already here--I need to uncover myself. It's about shedding the layers of things that are not authentic so that my true self that has always been at the core can be seen and known. It is often described as peeling an onion :) This has been a slow and gradual process of releasing toxic jobs, relationships, patterns, and habits from my life and nurturing healthy ones. I am at this very wonderful point in my life where my relationships are healthy and happy, I am grounded and connected to the Divine, and I have worked through a lot of my "stuff" in this chapter of my life (trust me I know this is a life long process). I think the reason that this last week has been so hard is that I am really down to the 'nitty-gritty' now. I'm being asked to release my attachment to things that I am REALLY attached to. Things that are like my security blanket...and have been for quite some time. Things that, when taken away, force me to a point where my 'humanity' is not comfortable. At all. It is uncomfortable in a way that is hard to describe. It feels like dying. Perhaps that sounds dramatic but it's not far from the truth. In truth, parts of me are dying. They are being released and I'm pretty sure I've had some of these patterns for many lifetimes so the pain and the fear is intense and deep. There are surface level things and there are core level things and I have hit the core level! The really scary thing is that I know this is just the beginning of this level and once I get to Peru in a month (Yes, seriously it's only a month away! yikes!) I will be offered the opportunity to dive in even deeper and I pray every day for the courage to do so.
You might be wondering why I haven't exchanged my ticket for a nice relaxing vacation to Hawaii. People have said to me 'wow... this seems like a lot of work...and not the fun kind. Why are you doing this again?' Well, you are right. It will be a lot of work and 'fun' is a relative term and not the reason I am going. I am going because I am being led there by my heart and I know with every fiber in my being that this is what I am meant to do. Right now my ego is scared and freaking out from all of this change and release but my heart is strong, steady, and unafraid. So I am trusting my heart and following it because experience has taught me that my heart knows what is best for me. I know that who I truly am can never be lost or released so all of this purging is really shedding layers that are covering my true self. I also trust in the knowledge that everything....every single experience...is happening for me not to me. So, because I know and trust this, I know that on the other side of this purge is a more authentic me. Cheers to that!!!